Settling The Old Debate: Do Women Like Assholes?
Do women like assholes? Yes and no.
Do you like that answer? Neither do I, but by end of this piece, you’ll have a detailed understanding of exactly what “yes and no” means. Let’s roll up the sleeves and get started.
Women (and Men) are Attracted to Confidence
First, let’s establish this truth. Think of the dudes that women usually go for. Sure, these guys might often be good-looking and successful, but not always. The throughline is confidence. These dudes are comfortable with themselves, no matter what hand they’ve been dealt.
On the flipside, think of the women you’re attracted to. Sure, looks play a factor, but what about the women that you can’t quite explain?
I’m pretty sure it’s because they are confident. They’re comfortable with who they are. As a result, they are easy to be around and often times seem even more attractive.
That’s the power of confidence. It makes you more attractive.
Why is Confidence Attractive?
Simply put, it’s a sign of success. While in many ways we’re an evolved species, at the end of the day we’re just cavemen and cavewomen with iPhones. We think in terms of food, sex, and survival.
That survival part depends on success. Back in caveman times, that meant being a good hunter. The better hunter was often the leader and most certainly viewed as more attractive.
Now, it’s a different kind of hunting: business success. One of the biggest predictors of success is confidence. Have you ever seen that smart guy who doesn’t thrive because he doesn’t believe in himself?
And what about that confident dude who cleans up because he has incredible self-belief? It might sound crazy, but believing you can do something can be more important than actually knowing how.
Confidence is also attractive because it means you aren’t leaning on anyone else. In a conversation, an insecure person is trying to get something from you: approval, respect, etc. It’s uncomfortable, and this nervous energy can actually activate insecurities within ourselves.
In contrast, a confident person doesn’t need anything from you because they have a healthy self-view. In fact, they often give you things in the conversation. This type of person makes you feel at ease. As a result, we perceive them as more attractive.
What Does Confidence Look Like?
OK, so confidence is attractive. Thanks for the breakthrough theory, Zack. WTF does that have to do with girls liking assholes?
I hear you, and I’m getting there. Let’s examine what confidence looks like:
Powerful posture: Your shoulders are back, chest out, open and emphatic body language, eye contact
Assertive: You know what you want and go for it
Unphased by what other people think: You don’t turn into a shrinking violet when someone has a different opinion than you.
Are there other signs of confidence? Of course, but these ones are the most easily observable. And here’s the thing: many different kinds of people exhibit these behaviors. It breaks down in three types:
The Likable Confident Dude
You’ve met him. Hell, I hope that you are him. This guy is just himself. He’s usually charismatic. Sure, he goes for what he wants, but he’s not an asshole in the process.
He doesn’t get all hot and bothered when people disagree with him because he’s comfortable with who he is. Nearly every woman likes this guy, but the problem is he’s practically a unicorn: Hardly any of these guys exist.
The Confident Asshole
Since there aren’t a whole ton of likable confident dudes, the confident asshole is a frequent target of attraction. He’s insufferable. He wants everyone to know that he’s the smartest person in the room. He lambastes people who don’t agree with him.
Seriously f*ck this guy. But you can’t deny that he has confidence, and confidence is attractive. While most women don’t necessarily dig the asshole-ness, they do like the confidence.
The girl who ends up with this asshole is attracted to the confidence and deals with the asshole-itude as a negative side effect. On the surface, it looks like women like assholes, but it’s more complicated than that.
The Confident-Seeming Guy
If you thought the confident asshole sucked, wait until you meet the confident-seeming guy. He doesn’t actually have high self-esteem, he just acts like he does.
This guy keys into all the behaviors of confident folks and mimics them. He struts around with his chest puffed out. He talks really loudly and authoritatively.
This guy sends mixed message when you interact with him. On one hand, it seems like he’s confident, but on the other, he’s sending you insecure vibes. You might think to yourself, “Man, that guy’s a douche,” or, “That dude is trying too hard.”
He creates kind of a confusion, sending subconscious signals of low self-esteem mixed with the physical signals of confidence.
Similar to the fate of the confident asshole, the confident-seeming guy could attract women based on perceived confidence. The difference here is that he really doesn’t have any.
Think of him like a non-poisonous snake that evolved to look like a poisonous one.
So, Do Women Like Assholes?
Working back to our original question: Do women like assholes?
Yes and no. In reality, most women find confidence attractive. The problem is that the characteristics of confidence can often have unintended side effects of jerkiness, so in effect, some of these guys are indeed assholes.
It perpetuates the “women like assholes” narrative, but the truth is something more like, “women like confident guys, and confident guys can be assholes.”