Gentleman, I want to be honest with you by letting you know my credentials or lack thereof.
I am not qualified to suggest tactics, methodology or deep understanding as it pertains to the topic of communicating with women.
I do not hold a Ph.D., nor a psychology degree, and while I do not know this to be fact, I’m quite sure there isn’t a man alive that would boast the same.
See, what I am about to say holds little refuge or relief only a bitter truth that begins with one main idea. You cannot win.
Before entering a major discussion with your significant other, you first must ask yourself, “what is my objective?”
Is your objective committed to sharing some terrestrial wisdom? Perhaps, abstracted from the ancient scrolls of the deepest caverns of the Mediterranean?
Is your objective to cross the finish line while throwing your hands up in glorious triumph? To this decree, I cry aloud, “you silly fools!”
In the movie Dodgeball, the main character Peter La Fleur played by Vince Vaughn said so eloquently “I find if you keep your expectations low, you’re never disappointed.”
Obviously, this isn’t a pattern for success in life, but in a relationship with a woman, this may save you a lifetime of heartache.
You must understand that your opponent is not your opponent, but you are most certainly hers.
A woman is predisposed to believe that she is dealing with a lesser being, one void of understanding and can do nothing right.
The proof? Easy, step outside, listen to their conversations, turn on the television, or radio.
The average family show on tv typically elicits a professional, mature upstanding wife and or mother while the dad on the show is often portrayed as a bumbling idiot.
The deck is stacked against us, and if we know this going in you might just maintain a modicum of dignity.
Resolve with every part of you, to stay focused on the problem. Attack the problem, not her. If you can stay focused, mature and steady you might come out on top, by knowing how to gracefully lose.
While again, if ever there were an expert I am not he, but I have learned a few tactics that will prove helpful.
1. You Cannot Win
Any efforts that resemble trying to win will deepen her resolve to desecrate you. A woman is self-aware and competitive.
She will seek nothing less than destruction if you go to battle with her.
2. You Cannot Reason With Emotion
She isn’t interested in understanding where you are coming from.
She is only interested in how she feels and what you did or said to make her feel that way. It would be best to listen to her, apologize and assure her it won’t happen again.
3. Women Do Not Apologize
An apology signals defeat, or surrender and lifting that white flag just won’t happen. It leaves them vulnerable to their own feelings, making them feel weak and open to attack, which leads to point 4.
4. When She Cries – Embrace Her
STOP TALKING. Anything you must say at that moment is unimportant.
Put your arms around her, hold her close and don’t let go until she is ready.
You might feel a surge of power, smelling blood that might lead you to go for the kill? Don’t be deceived, like a wild animal she is most dangerous when wounded.
5. The Playing Field Is Not Even
Anything she must say is fair game and necessary for her arsenal. What you did yesterday, last year, previous relationships, previous disagreements – all of it is relevant in the present context, for her.
For you, forget it. Bringing examples into the context of your pain only makes sense and opens her up to listen to you, which she has little desire to do.
Point 2 has already reminded us that she isn’t interested in how you feel; therefore, any relevant context will only leave you frustrated and dumbfounded. What is okay for her, will never be okay for you.
6. It Will Always Be Your Fault
Confused? Refer to point 3. She has given all of her to you, withholding nothing. With that, she has given you the key to her happiness. Therefore, when she is not happy…it’s your fault.
Sometimes will be always, seldom will be never, last night will be every night, selfless becomes selfish, and often will be ‘I can’t remember the last time.’
7. Avoid Hot Button Words
Even when what you say is taken out of context, and referring again to point 2, she is not interested in what you must say because it’s all about her.
She is expecting the worst from you, so anything you say using hot button words, no matter the context, will be heard out of context. i.e. (my ex, naïve, annoying).
Your hot button words may be exclusive to your relationship, but learn them and then throw them out.
8. Don’t Ask Certain Questions
In the middle of a conflict, you never want to ask questions that she might answer. When a woman is hurting, her objective most likely has little to do with resolution.
She just doesn’t want you to understand how she feels, she wants you to FEEL what she feels. She is pissed and if you bruise easily, avoid questions that might deliver a death blow to your ego.
9. Keep An Open Mind
Remember, per point 6 you are always going to be at fault, but try to stay in the moment and reflect on your actions. It may very well be that you ARE wrong.
Try to put yourself in her shoes, listen to what she is saying, react rationally and consider if what she is saying is true.
If you are man enough to discover this truth, tell her immediately, this should quickly defuse an escalating situation.
10. Use Her Truth Against Her Or Bring Up Exes
It’s normal in the course of a relationship for two people to share intimate information regarding past relationships.
Both parties might also share very private thoughts, confessions, or things that are considered shameful.
Guys, if everything I’ve given you falls on deaf ears, hear this. Under no circumstance, should you never, ever, use her truths against her.
This is very touchy for both parties in the relationship, but crippling for a woman’s trust.
Once this happens, the relationship might survive but it is severely damaged once this has been done.
Never compare her to your ex, never bring up her behavior toward her ex, and never bring up what she has entrusted to you.
With these ten tips in mind, you have the tools you need to survive an argument with your spouse.
It may not be a pleasant experience, but if you can set your ego aside for those brief moments, you’ll only strengthen the bond you have.
It can be a minefield out there, but I’ve defused a few bombs in my day, and so can you.