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What’s She Really Saying? The Non-Verbal Side of Dating

What’s She Really Saying? The Non-Verbal Side of Dating

BY Christopher Gramuglia

What’s She Really Saying? The Non-Verbal Side of Dating

There are two layers to any type of conversation.

First, there are the words being said, and the literal meaning of the dialogue between two people.

In the case of a date, this usually consists of pretty boring topics—your favorite breed of dog, where you went to college, what you do for fun—and isn’t necessarily going to give you much valuable information about what the other person is actually thinking.

Conversations, especially on dates, are sometimes just ways of filling in silence and avoiding an uncomfortable interaction.

While it may seem like the best form of getting one’s point across, the verbal component of a date is only a small percentage of the whole picture.

A guy who really knows how to kill it on a date looks deeper than just the words that are being said. He knows that women and people, in general, communicate nonverbally, whether they know it or not.

To a guy who’s been on lots of dates, the sub-communication, or the meaning behind the meaning, is really what’s most important when he’s trying to make a strong bond with a girl.

Nonverbal communication is sometimes, even more, telling because, a lot of the time, what’s being said through body language or through eye contact is unconscious.

The person may not even be aware of what they’re indicating with their eyes or with the way they’re sitting, but to the person on the other side of the table they’ve pretty much completely given themselves away.

If you aren’t paying attention to a girl’s body language on a date, then you’re shortchanging yourself, and possibly missing out on signals she may be trying to send you.

Being able to interpret non-verbal communication is also valuable in situations where it may be helpful to calibrate your behavior.

Is she uncomfortable, attracted, nervous, horny or upset? It’s almost impossible to tell just by talking to her, but her body language and mannerisms may betray any one of these emotions.

You just have to be able to focus and have a keen eye for certain behaviors with deeper meanings.

For example, creating distance or placing physical objects between the two of you is one way of knowing she isn’t comfortable yet.

She could be leaning back in her chair, putting her drink in the middle of the table to separate the two of you, or leaving her phone or purse between the two of you.

It’s essentially the unconscious brain putting up a physical wall for protection against someone it isn’t sure of yet. Another possibility is that she has her arms on the table, crossed in front of her body.

She’s creating a barrier because she’s still making up her mind about you, so if you see any of these signs, just know that you have a long way to go before she’s okay with letting things progress. In short, you have work to do.

A more positive display of nonverbal communication is eye contact. If you make eye contact with your date, and she doesn’t break it or look around the bar at something else, she is very interested in what you’re saying.

Eye contact is an extremely intimate thing, and if someone isn’t comfortable with it, it can be creepy and they will almost always look away.

However, when a girl is attracted to you, she will want to look into your eyes because there is something undeniably sexy about it. It indicates comfort, attraction, and a genuine interest.

On the other end of the spectrum, is a girl who looks everywhere except into your eyes, no matter how much actual talking you’re doing.

Maybe she doesn’t necessarily dislike you, but she is either…

A) Uncomfortable
B) Not considerate enough to focus on the date

In either case, you can calibrate, or cut the date short and move on.

Body contact is another huge thing to look out for.

If a girl touches your arm in conversation or grabs your hand in a fit of laughter, it may not necessarily mean she’s ready to jump into bed with you, but it does mean that she likes you enough to actually touch you.

Sex, in a very simplified way, is a form of extreme touching and usually is the result of the progressive escalation of less intense forms of touching.

If she lets you hold her hand, put your arm around her waist, or even just flicks your ear to tease you, it probably means she likes you and you can continue doing what you’re doing without worrying about her retreating.

Another few things to look out for are subtle grooming signs. Early human females, when found in the presence of an attractive male, would groom themselves and makes sure they appeared desirable.

Nowadays, the leftover mannerisms are as follows: scratching of the hand, and flipping with or playing with the hair.

She will probably do both without realizing it, but it’s a form of unconscious energy manifesting in a physical action.

Her brain is telling her you’re an attractive, desirable man and her evolutionary circuitry is telling her to groom herself.

Obviously, we live in a modern world, where most grooming takes place in private, but the instinct is still there and if you look closely you’ll see that these little ticks can say a lot about what she thinks of you.

Twirling of the hair, scratching of the hand and pushing the hair out of her face are three good examples, but essentially any adjustment she makes to her appearance is her way of saying she might just be into it.

It goes without saying, but if she shows up in sweatpants and doesn’t seem to care at least a little bit about her appearance, she probably doesn’t care about the date either.

It takes a little practice and some keen observation skills, but over time you can start to use these little nuances to your advantage.

Understanding body language on a date puts you one step ahead and gives you the opportunity to see things from the girl’s perspective.

It’s almost like mind-reading, so whenever you’re out with a girl, pay attention to what she’s really saying.

In one way or another, she’ll thank you for it.

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Christopher Gramuglia

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Chris is a writer, photographer and holds a master's degree in creative writing. He is working on a novel about dating in the digital age, and is an expert on topics like social dynamics and how to navigate the modern dating scene.

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