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Bring Her Back To Life: How To Recover When She’s Ghosting

Bring Her Back To Life: How To Recover When She’s Ghosting

BY Judith Villarreal

Bring Her Back To Life: How To Recover When She’s Ghosting

“Ghosting”: The act of disappearing on a romantic partner without so much as a “Screw you, I’m out.”

Whether we like it or not, ghosting has become a widely accepted form of breaking off a casual relationship in our generation.

Despite its adorable little nickname, the act of ghosting is anything but cute. In fact, it’s plain rude. Rather than confronting an issue with grace and respect, people have turned to crickets to terminate a relationship for them.

If it weren’t for social media, I’m sure a person who’s been ghosted would worry that their (potential-soon-to-be) significant other were lying dead in a ditch somewhere, thus the reason for cutting communication.

The sudden silence is confusing for those on the receiving end. It leads to questions, insecurities, and hurt feelings. The worst part is that you can never actually be sure why you’re being ignored, especially when it’s by someone who seemed happy to date you the day before.

ghostin

 

Are you concerned that you’re currently being ghosted? Then consider these reasons, advice, and tips to help you get through the foggy mess she’s left in her abrupt absence.

Why is she ghosting you?

  • She’s dating more than one person

It sucks, but if you two met on Tinder, Match, or any other dating site, chances are you’re not the only one she’s chatting up.

  • She genuinely got busy with work and life

She’s too busy at work to text you one day, and soon one day turns into two and so on. Before she realizes it, too much time has passed and she’s afraid it’ll be awkward – or worse, that you’ll be mad – if she send you a message to apologize for disappearing.

  • She got impatient

Some girls don’t want to sit around texting all day; they want you to make a move and take the initiative to make a date. If you’re relying on texting as your only means of communication, she might’ve gotten bored and went for a guy who asked her out.

  • You’re coming on too strong

You had a great first date, and now you text her every morning, afternoon, and night. If minutes are going by in between her replies (often, not just once), she might be thinking about moving on to someone less needy.

  • She’s not interested in you

Of all the reasons she might be ghosting you, this one sucks the most.


If you think you’re being ghosted, what actions should you avoid taking?

  • Jumping to conclusions

If a single day has passed without word, give it some time before going off the deep end and deleting all of her contact info. She might genuinely be busy, and she’ll get the wrong impression if she texts you the next day only to receive the reply, “Sorry, but who’s this?”

  • Sending hurtful or vindictive messages

If someone’s ghosted you, let her be the jerk. Don’t try to one up her by sending her mean texts or Facebook messages. Stay classy even when it’s hard.

  • Drunk dialing her to get to the bottom of the situation

For some people, drinking after a break up is a natural reaction. Hey, to each his own, but don’t drunk dial her. Your slurred words aren’t going to have the impact you want. In fact, they might just make her glad she made the decision to up and leave without a word.


What should you do if it’s clear you’re being ghosted?

  • Send a casual message

(We talk about the best way how here)

If she’s still acting like you don’t exist, let her go.

Sometimes these types of people come crawling back after days, weeks, or months, but don’t let her back into your life.

Relationships should be built on mutual respect, and she clearly doesn’t respect your time or feelings.

Move on to someone who understands and respects your time and efforts because that’s who you deserve.


Never get ghosted again with HOW2TextHer – a bestselling product by Christian Hudson that breaks down text game and gives you the tools you need to master this art form.

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Judith Villarreal

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Judith is a professional writer, margarita enthusiast, and love doctor (minus the degree, lab coat, and clammy hands). Follow Judith on Instagram.

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  • Folorunso Daniel

    hey hi… i really love this post and for several times i’ve been ghosted by one girl or the other and i end up jumping into conclusions. Well, lessons learnt and i think i need to just stay low and don’t come so strong which presents me as ‘needy’. Thanks so much. But i have a question… should i just move on when i’m being ghosted by someone (women esp)?

    • Judith Villarreal

      Hello!
      Thanks so much for your comment. My own advice is to send her a text a day later (just in case she actually was busy) that’s casual and not accusing. Something like “Hey! Saw an article on Huffington Post that made me think of you. How’s you day?”
      If she responds, great! If not, I’d give her space. If someone is obviously ghosting you, I’d move on. You’re too awesome to stick around someone who’s not very nice.
      Judith

      • Folorunso Daniel

        Waoh..thanks for the quick response and ama work on that.

        • Judith Villarreal

          Best of luck! Let me know if you ever have any other questions! 🙂

  • Mario Pérez Alarcón

    Great post Judith!

    • Judith Villarreal

      Thanks so much, Mario! I’m really glad you enjoyed it!
      Judith

  • The Badger

    Great post! Who would have thought this site, usually run by chauvinist male jerks, would actually produce something that is worthwhile reading! I went through the reasons, and it was check, check, check and check, every one of them except coming up too strong, and I can totally relate to this situation. And I did send her a hurtful message before blocking her from all mediums, I actually felt bad afterwards.

    • Judith Villarreal

      Hello The Badger!
      Thanks so much for your comments. I think we can all relate to sending a hurtful message at least once when being ghosted. We’re the first generation dealing with ghosting while still being able to see through social media that the other person just moved on with their lives, so it’s understandable that we had to learn how to deal with the situation. Don’t worry too much about the hurtful message; I’m sure deep down she understood it was coming from a place of hurt.

      I hope you stick around The Social Man for more awesome and helpful articles (especially mine! ha) 🙂
      Best,
      Judith

      • chico

        Hi Judith I think this ghosting stuff is so rude and child like behavior! If your not feeling someone anymore just say it plain and clear because most people would use the excuse i don’t want to hurt them but by just disappearing your doing just that and more. It’s just not right and shows poor communication skills and also a person who has a lot to man up to with personal issues either from the past or present and they sure are gonna take it to there future if not addressed. If you don’t want to ghost don’t let the relationship/friendship drag on till there’s feelings involved and people get hurt.

  • DC225

    Great article! Really resonates with me.

    Sorry for grammar mistakes, I’m from Germany 🙂 Long story, but I have to write it.

    Well, it was the first time for me. And it sucked as hard as you can imagine. We met at a club and talked and she started the conversation via Whatsapp. She was the one who “seemed” interested and after two weeks she had memorized my university schedule completely and asking me how my day was etc. Somebody who’s not interested in another person doesn’t do things like that right? That’s what I thought. I asked her out on a date and she immediately said yes and told me what she was doing on the days she didn’t have time. Visiting an aunt, helping a female friend etc.. I was like, hey that’s great: upfront and honest. So I assumed she isn’t dating somebody else.
    The first date went well(at least that’s what I thought) and a few days later I called her up and invited her to my place. She immediately agreed. So this is the part where things started to get flaky 🙂 She said she was with her aunt and thinks she’s getting sick. She’s really sorry for cancelling on me and I shouldn’t be mad. So I wished her well and waited a few days until I texted again. She responded overly excited and told me when she was available the following weekend. This time she came to my apartment. We had a great dinner, and when she arrived back at her place she immediately texted: Thanks for the nice evening, let’s do it again soon! We texted and talked the following week and I wanted to take her out to a Christmas market (stuff we have in Germany :)) She again immediately agreed and then the following Sunday she again thought she’s getting sick, but wanted to lie down first. Two hours later she said well, the headache got worse and she’s now having stomache problems as well. Yeah right.
    She wanted to meet the following week and on Monday she said sorry once again.

    After that. She dissappeared. For almost two weeks. I then sent her a text, I hope she’s doing well and nothing had happened to her. No response. The next day I was online in Whatsapp and saw her online too. I waited. No response.

    Two days later I wrote a harsh message. I didn’t care anymore. But this treatment was shit. She responded within two hours telling me that she was sick for almost two weeks and she really liked me but she’s probably leaving for another country and she doesn’t like distant relationships. I told her that I would like to stay in touch. Two weeks later she said goodbye without ever telling me the real reason, because if I’m sick and the other person is important to me I can text lying in bed with 104 degrees. She then waited one more day and deleted me from her contact list.

    Better than complete ghosting sure. But lies after lies after lies.

    This is how I always do it when I see that things don’t work out, I either call or at least text, and if the other person wants an explanation I give it to her via text or call, and if she wants me to tell her in person I won’t hesitate. I tell her that I really like her, but if I go in a relationship with her I’d lie to her and I’d lie to myself. So I think it’s just fair to tell her the truth.

    So if you stayed until this point and read my whole story and are probably glad by now it’s over, be nice to each other and be honest.

    • Phil

      I was with one woman for almost 3 years. Tumultuous, turbulent and hurtful this relationship was to me. I continually tried to patch things between us. A few times she would tell me things like “Go home” while I was standing on her doorstep, or even GHOSTing me and my 2 children (11 and 13) for up to 10 days at a time. I can’t say I’ve EVER ghosted someone in my past 11 years on my own after my divorce. I ALWAYS
      I eventually found myself with physical ailments over out relationship. I sought counselling, not only for my issues with our relationship, but other issues I was having with my family at the time.
      During my sessions, I determined that I had codependent tendencies, and that I would need to change IF I were to recover and survive; we were still seeing each other during my sessions. I started to see not only myself in a different light, but her actions as well. She would power play me, exerting her learned behaviour and power over me. Whether she realized she was doing so, I will never know.
      She inquired if the counselling was helping me, I told her it was. I told her I loved her as I ALWAYS have, but in a new way now. I also told her I now LOVED myself and respected myself in a better way.
      Finally, one night after a discussion we couldn’t see eye to eye on and she left for home, Later she text me. She was hurt and upset, citing how she felt used. I’ve always attempted to include her in my life with my children, being a single dad is never easy.
      In the text she boldly set in caps DON’T CALL ME. So I didn’t. I didn’t realize it at the time, but this was my first Ghosting I was about to enact upon someone. That was 6 months ago.
      At the time, I ghosted for my self preservation of emotions and mental state. I continued my sessions, and with my counsellor I determined that I wasn’t strong enough to confront her and tell her the things I needed to to end it in a final way. I have many things to tell her about her behaviour and how it effected both my children and I. Unfortunately by returning to her, I’d merely begin the cycle between us again.
      In retrospect I feel bad about my behaviour since I now see how it effected her. Fiat the time though, I couldn’t think of her, and needed to only focus on myself and my kids.
      I’ve since met someone great who is TOTALLY in love with me and I with her. We respect and never power play each other. She has helped me grow, becoming stronger and restoring my confidence I felt with my first wife 11years ago. It’s true, the right person will do this for you when you find them.
      I am stronger now, and don’t fret about seeing her out and about one day. Will I email or call her? No, I don’t think this wouldn’t be a good thing to do to her at this point. I know she’s suffered, and I did love her and should never have hurt her by ghosting her in this way. I will be able to smile and say hi, I’m certain.
      I’ve learned ghosting is bad yes, and I don’t like to reengineer things to make sense of it, especially my actions. I will say though, if I were to do it again, and with all things remaining equal including my mental and emotional state at the time, this WAS the only way it could have occurred.

  • Arnold Chan

    This woman ghosted me once, came back after 3 weeks or so out of the blue, and another month later after days of not talking i realize she’s at it again.
    Fool me twice, shame on me!

    It’s a bit of shame really, the last day we were joking around talking about our kids and what not- something we do often when we drink.

  • NotThatGuy

    This was a really great read, thank you! I recently went through a situation where a girl I was talking to for a few days over Tinder gave me her number. We spent more time talking and it seemed like it was leading up to something. I was gearing up to ask her out, when she disappeared. After some more time, I decided to just let her know that what she did was simply the wrong thing to do to people in general. I wasn’t angry, I wasn’t accusing, and I didn’t try to make her feel guilty for it (as everyone has their reasons). She did respond. Her explanation was graceful and very respectful. She had valid reasons for her actions and I hold nothing against her. Instead of being left wondering, taking action in a calm, thought out, and respectful way can have a huge impact on how your situation turns out. If they choose not respond to even that, well, then they definitely aren’t worth your time or energy.

  • Nick Haywood

    Unfortunately it’s hard to stay classy in this modern dating game. But at the end of the day, your integrity is one of the most important assets you have…….. To those who really matter!
    Ghosting ? Is a game for teenagers. And people who commit it should be treated as just that.
    Just roll you eyes at them gents and carry on……..

  • Dave

    This happened to me a few months ago. Even though this thread is old it’s funny how I stumbled on it reading about Sean Penn. anyway, now it makes sense. Ghosting is sad for those little people who think they are better and can’t just tell you to your face. But, I will say when she “ghosted” me she was 12 years younger then me, funny how that works.

  • JT

    I was dating a girl for a month, we had a great time together and talked/texted almost everyday. She called me at 2pm on a Saturday to finalize plans for that night. She never showed up, wouldn’t answer my calls or texts. I thought she was in an accident and was worried all night something happened to her. Never heard from her again,

  • Mike Welter

    I got ghosted just in the last two weeks. Met this fun, smart, athletic girl through a mutual friend at a charity softball tournament. I’ve been out of the dating scene lately, to get certain things straightened out in my personal life. So I didn’t ask her out, but totally would have normally. Well she friend requests me a couple days later on FB. I accept and reply with something cute and with a question. Then all of a sudden we end up talking on the phone for two hours that night. For the following week and a half we have two more two hour phone conversations. And long talks through text initiated by both of us at different times. We were gonna get together last weekend, but my work schedule changed so we postponed till a night during the week. So Saturday I call her on my break, leave a message saying she should call me back when she has a few mins. Then just straight up nothing. Absolutely nothing. Never had talked to anyone for 6hours over 3phone calls and had it go so smoothly, naturally and fun. She had even said the same. I didn’t push for any response. Got a vague I need to pull back a bit text a couple days later, and crickets since. I sent a text wishing her the best after a few days and bringing up holding her to a make out session we had agreed to in a joking manner, but just nothing back at all. Amazing! Glad I didn’t tell her I was crushing as bad as I was. Made me remember why I usually don’t allow myself to start taking to or seeing a chick regularly, without establishing the ground rules

  • I Pledged Allegiance

    I think ghosting is Fricken lame, but being a female looking back i think I’ve been guilty of it before technology took over, but just like at a bar and being nice didn’t want to hurt someone’s feelings so I gave them a fake phone number (Jennys number 867-5309)
    But, being a person I’ve met and texted back and forth and not a gamer or player just genuine , being ghosted by someone who doesn’t actually really mean what they say and say what they think and then suddenly getting ghosted absolutely sucks for the one being ghosted.
    And no I haven’t handled it well at all. But who cares move on right ?!

  • Wanderer

    Well, I will say this a pretty interesting article. It made me think about how to handle being ghosted on, though I find the methods way too merciful. Quite simply put, if they ghost, that means that they are replaceable, and easily so. The only reason someone would ghost is if they are dating others simultaneously or not interested; it has nothing to do with their job, their schedules, or anything else of that nature. People are so damned glued to their phones nowadays that “forgetting” to send a text due to work is a virtual impossibility…so that’s false.

    I feel that ghosting, to answer your question, is a lazy and cowardly way to break off a casual “relationship.” Not to mention, it’s rude and disrespectful to do so. So, the only logical answer to blatant disrespect is NOT with civility, as you would suggest, but with disrespect of your own…because, let’s be real here; what are the chances that you’ll ever see them again?

    I’ll answer that for you: slim to none.

    The instant you get the sense that you’re being ghosted on, get to deleting contacts and fast. After doing this, replace them quickly. This is dating in the 21st century, and people have made themselves into a replaceable commodity, so take advantage. When and if that reconnect text DOES come, you can have the satisfaction of sending that “who’s this?” text to someone who decided to change their mind and waste YOUR valuable time.

    Don’t chase. Replace.

  • chico

    I think this ghosting stuff is so rude and child like behavior! If your not feeling someone anymore just say it plain and clear because most people would use the excuse i don’t want to hurt them but by just disappearing your doing just that and more. It’s just not right and shows poor communication skills and also a person who has a lot to man up to with personal issues either from the past or present and they sure are gonna take it to there future if not addressed. If you don’t want to ghost don’t let the relationship/friendship drag on till there’s feelings involved and people get hurt.

  • Stopher

    This is an old article but I was searching for answers since I got ghosted last weekend. =) Only one date so I don’t even consider it a real ghosting. What threw me was that the girl texted me afterward. Told me I was really fun and we should hang out again. Then when I tried to contact her the next week radio silence. I’ve had bad dates. I get it. They’re not all going to be Ito me but when a woman tells you she had a good time and asks you to call her back and then doesn’t respond that is flaky.

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