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It’s Just Dating: Why Being Laid Back Is The Key To Success

It’s Just Dating: Why Being Laid Back Is The Key To Success

BY Christopher Gramuglia

It’s Just Dating: Why Being Laid Back Is The Key To Success

Generally speaking, there are two types of guys who go out and attempt cold approach pickup.

There are the guys who plan everything out, have hundreds of lines, canned stories and step-by-step strategies memorized, and try to boil attraction down to a science.

They study things like evolutionary biology, social science and treat game in an extremely methodical way as if it’s just a real-life game of Call of Duty and they’re on a mission.

It’s a style made popular by well-known seducers from the mid-2000’s and probably works on occasion.

On the other end of the spectrum is the guy who knows about all of the popular strategies, ideas, and methods and uses them, but only as something in the background of his game.

He’s more concerned with the process itself and having a good time and doesn’t necessarily have a checklist of things he feels he needs to do.

On the surface, it seems like he takes game less seriously than, say the more methodical guys, but when you look closer he actually does pretty well for himself in the dating scene.

He’s fluid, spontaneous and doesn’t let it ruin his night if things don’t work out with a chick. For him, it’s about making things fun, not robotic.

So, which approach is better?

Is it better to treat seduction like a CIA operative who constantly interprets body language and conversational subtleties, or is it better to be flowing, genuine and laid back when you’re talking to a girl in a bar?

The answer is, unequivocally the latter. Guys who come across as if they have no attachment to any particular outcome, almost always do better with women.

There are a lot of reasons, but the main one is that the opposite sex is extremely good at sniffing out insincerity, or a lack of congruence in a guy’s personality.

Unless you’re a method actor or have experience as an undercover cop, it may be a good idea to let things flow a bit more naturally.

That being said, learning certain methodologies can be helpful for someone new to the game.

It’s an excellent way to conceptualize the process of meeting, attracting and dating a woman and should become habitual over time; in other words, game should become second nature so that you can eventually come up with your own strategies and ideas that work for you.

It’s the difference between game that’s, well, too gamey, and game that is so natural it doesn’t even feel like it’s happening.

The goal for every guy who wants to improve his skills with women should be to make the process intuitive, organic and smooth for everyone involved.

Girls, generally, want to feel like they’re being swept off their feet by a man like they’re in some Disney movie, not like they’re being manipulated or are an obstacle of some kind that he’s trying to overcome.

A guy who’s fluid, easy-going and able to adjust to any situation, regardless of what his internal game checklist says, is exponentially more fun and attractive than one who is clocking when and how to hold a girl’s hand, kiss her or text her the next day.

It takes the romance out of it and makes things feel mechanical when you take it that seriously.

If you are having trouble meeting girls, you should still prioritize game, but that doesn’t mean planning out each and every detail of your night.

It means going out more, paying attention to things you’re doing that are working and not working and then adjusting accordingly.

Really good game is just as much about trial-and-error as it is about understanding the theory and history behind seduction.

Say, for example, you’re on a date and things are going well. It’s been about an hour and a half and there’s definitely some attraction forming between the two of you.

You could totally go in for a kiss, but you read somewhere that it normally takes two to four hours before making out is socially acceptable. What are you going to do?

Duh, you’re going to kiss her because if the mood is right she’ll wonder why you waited so long.

You have to treat each encounter as if it is its own unique situation, while only referring back to guidelines and rules when you’re stuck or don’t know what to do.

Girls are mostly turned off by two things: guys who are too serious, and guys that show signs of clinginess.

Treating game as a life or death situation will convey both of these traits, whether you realize it or not.

At the end of the day, a successful interaction is about getting her to like you, not psychologically overpowering another human being.

In fact, fighting your instincts will make you seem strange, maybe even awkward, and could tip her off to the fact that you’re not as genuine as you may appear.

Trust me, if she gets that impression, she won’t like it.

Also, let’s say for argument’s sake that you sleep with her by being methodical and calculative. What happens then if you really like her, and maybe want to see her again?

At some point, you’ll have to drop the charade, so you might as well do it from the get-go.

A common problem that occurs when a guy’s game is too gamey, is that he can’t sustain the relationship for more than a night or two.

One night stands are great and all, but if you want to explore the other side of dating—the exclusive part—you’ll have to learn to free yourself from expectations, and just see what happens.

By all means, learn the basics and use them to your advantage, but just beware of using them as a crutch.

If you’re new to the dating scene, it can be very easy to treat a night out like a mission in which getting as many phone numbers or make-outs as possible is the goal, and that’s perfectly fine for a newbie.

But the guys who make pick-up seem natural and just have fun no matter what the night throws at them are the ones that eventually find their own way and go with their gut.

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Christopher Gramuglia

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Chris is a writer, photographer and holds a master's degree in creative writing. He is working on a novel about dating in the digital age, and is an expert on topics like social dynamics and how to navigate the modern dating scene.

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