Apple Releases New iPhone 7 With Wireless Headphones And Everyone’s Pissed

Yesterday in San Francisco Apple unveiled the iPhone 7 to much fanfare and media adulation. As we know by know, any new iPhone release comes with a bunch of new life-changing features, as was the case yesterday.
The updates include a water proof screen, modified home button, and tweaks to Apple Music and iWork productivity apps. But the feature, or lack thereof, that seems to be garnering the most attention is the missing headphone jack.
Yes, aux cord enthusiasts, this means that you can no longer DJ every possible social gathering without some sort of bluetooth technology.
So, you’re wondering how you can listen to music without a headphone jack. Well, Apple introduced the new headphones, which are wireless and basically dangle precariously from your ear.
People seem to be rather hesitant about Apple’s latest endeavor. Headphones can be annoying when they get tangled, but to replace them with two little portable ear plugs seems like a questionable decision.
Most people voiced disappointment with the price of the new headphones. If you were to lose the headphones a new pair would cost you $159.
This price is rather ridiculous and it’s clear that Apple is aiming to get rid of the economy of selling cheap alternatives to the current headphones.
You can walk into virtually any bodega, convenience store, or gas station in the country and buy a pair of off-brand, crappy headphones that you will lose in 4 days.
Maybe that doesn’t mean anything to you but whether or not you do buy shitty headphones at gas stations the point is that you can. America is all about freedoms and Apple is slowly stripping them away!
On a more practical level, the new headphones seem like a logistical nightmare. There is nothing holding them together (meaning you will lose one of them and then listen to your favorite podcast in one ear).
There is nothing keeping these headphones from just falling out of your ear. Even if the current iPhone headphones aren’t exactly friendly to your ears, if they break from your earhole they are attached to a nice little cord and will not go crashing to the ground.
This is the biggest issue with these new headphones. They are going to fall out of your ears all of the time and then you’re going to be fishing them off the ground of dirty public transit and throwing them back in your ears. Doesn’t seem ideal.
Apple has surprised us before. A lot of people thought that iPad and Apple Watch were dumb ideas, and they may still be dumb ideas, but they are hugely successful dumb ideas.
Overall, my favorite part of the entire launch was the Gavin Belson-esque description of the new “blacker than black” matte iPhone. I mean just look at this:

The gold standard of black.

Crafted from bead-blasted aluminum, our new black model has a rich, deep matte finish. The high-gloss jet black finish was achieved through a new feat of design engineering — a remarkably precise, nine-step process of anodization and polishing.² The end result is so purely and continuously black, you can’t tell where the aluminum ends and the glass begins. The dark side, indeed.

Silicon Valley wept.