In all the time I’ve been subscribed to dating advice newsletters, I don’t think I’ve ever seen an email about thoughtfulness with women.
It’s one of those mushy words that calls us to be our better selves, and there was definitely a (rather selfish) time in my life when I was dismissive of anything that involved me putting forth extra effort towards women.
But this morning, as I was posting this song to my friend Fatima’s Facebook wall, it struck me how much of a role thoughtfulness has played in my best relationships.
A few examples…
– My very first girlfriend (back when we were high-schoolers haha) told me that her favorite Sesame Street character was Bert. I showed up on our third date with a big helium balloon of Bert’s face
– On our first date, my current girlfriend told me that she wanted to change the world. a few weeks later, I had a book about Social Entrepreneurship called “How To Change The World” sent to her house (gotta love Amazon Prime)
– Again with my current girlfriend, when we were getting to know each other, I posted a quote from Shantaram on my facebook wall – “every act of love is in some way a promise to forgive”. I knew her enough to suspect that this would speak right to her heart, and sure enough, she commented on it within moments.
– One of my girlfriends had a musical composer she was absolutely passionate about. I bought one of his albums between our first and second date and was prepped to discuss it.
– As we were getting to know each other, the FHM cover model girlfriend from a few years ago got a cold. I had chicken noodle soup and airborne sent to her house.
– When texting with a girl who I dated from Sweden, I looked up a Swedish food on Wikipedia and told her we should get some.
Notice that nothing here cost more than ten bucks. A few other similarities…
– Even though I was “giving” in almost all cases, there was no supplication.
– I truly delighted in surprising these girls something unexpected
– All of the instances required that I pay attention to something unique to the girl
– None of these things required ridiculous effort.
It’s sort of the 80/20 principle of making her like you. The way that most guys try to give isn’t very personalized – dinners, tickets to a show, etc. – and none of that is inherently bad, but it’s not the most effective way of getting her to smile.
If you take great pleasure in making women happy, then thoughtful little gifts and actions go a LONG way.
And let me be clear – if your head and your heart are in the right place, then this stuff is going to come naturally. It’s not a technique.
A lot of guys think you have to have this amazing lifestyle, get bottle service every time you go out, wear the most stylish new threads… no no no. Those can put you in the game, but this is the stuff that makes the real connection happen… especially with the girls who every other guy is chasing.
Mix this stuff up with attraction stuff (good body language, flirtatiousness, showing your desire) and you’ll be a powerhouse.