It was the weekend of Halloween. It was hard to believe that who I was would really be enough to spark any form of attraction in a girl.
I am, after all, a quiet, internally-focussed boy with limited social experience, and lack of interest in the small talk so commonly used in the ‘courting’ scene. How could I spark any form of attraction in a girl, especially in a setting where extroversion feels like a prerequisite for success?
I was hopeful my coach knew what to do, and that I would finally be able to meet girls, find a date or two, and fly back home with an arsenal of confidence, tools, and hope.
Things didn’t go the way I expected them to. I was instructed to do all sorts of things that went against every bone in my body.
From high-fiving as many people as possible that we walked past, to flaunting an over-the-top feeling of ecstasy around them in bars and clubs, I spent the weekend faking who I was in the hopes of finally achieving success.
Though no one arguably achieves much success by faking, as an introvert it was exhausting having to expend so much energy, especially by faking our personalities. I ended the weekend feeling sorely disappointed and void of any self-respect for having to do all those things that didn’t allow me to be me!
In contrast to what my coach advised me to do from the beginning, I never felt after that weekend that who I was was ever going to be good enough. I concluded that I was my own worst enemy, that my persona was my greatest weakness. I disliked myself. I had to change who I was if I was ever going to find a loving girlfriend and command respect in this world. Introversion was wrong, and I needed to fix it!
That was my past. Moving forward, things started looking up. It was clear to me that there is neither merit nor rationale in beating yourself up for who you are.
After reading up on inspirational books and articles related to introvert strength and coming across The Social Man, I came to notice that there is a place in this world for introverts, especially when it comes to dating.
At times, people mistakenly equate introversion as being anti-social. I know I used to. Is this the case?
Though there are several interpretations and descriptions of introversion given by psychologists and people over the past century, allow me to give you my description based on my experiences and see if this relates to you:
Introversion: A personality state by which the individual finds more peace and happiness in not so busy and not so loud environments. Examples are libraries, mountain trails, and other environments that aren’t too crowded. Though introverts can be social, they can only use up so much energy socializing before they feel drained and need to retreat to a quieter and more isolated area where they can recharge. They are not usually fans of small talk, but find passion in deep topics and expressions.
Does the above sound like you? Then you most likely have some introversion about you. And you know what? You’re awesome and capable of dating! Though the reasons for this are too vast for the contents of just one article, I will talk about your potential as an introvert when dating.
As an introvert, you admire authenticity and settle for nothing less. Let’s face it. It’s a very rare luxury nowadays for anyone to really know someone. We live in a society where we grow up being taught to show little emotion around others for fears it makes you look weak.
I remember when I took a weekend’s acting bootcamp back in 2011 when the greatest hurdle all of us newbies had to contend with is not how to enact a character in his/her scene, but rather how to remove our daily face masks that hide us from who we really are inside.
This is a common struggle for all actors to contend with in their career, and I’ll never forgot that weekend. The students around me suddenly felt like family, because we all shared our rawest, deepest emotions and that naturally builds connections.
Somewhere down the line, humanity has lost touch of this, and people like introverts tend to feel more uneasy because of it. What qualities do women look for in a guy? Looks, money, fame, or authenticity? I feel the need to tell you that, from my experience, it’s always been the latter.
This one girl I dated at first felt intrigued by my flirtatious, yet rather silent nature even when around our peers during a climbing trek. It was only after just the two of us stopped for the night at my favorite beach spot that she really learned who I was.
I opened up about all my deepest desires, philosophies, and even my insecurities. She felt more attracted than ever and we had one passionate embrace that night!
In her own words, she would’ve loved to write a book about all these wonderful things I was making her feel that night. It was an amazing and enlightening experience for me as well. My silent personality, yet powerful measures of expression, created an amazing bond with an amazing woman. It appears that who I really am, was enough after all!
In summary, while many guys utilize surface level small talk to initiate connection with women, we seek immediate meaningful communications with them in a way that can help establish a greater bond between the pair, should they match.
At most times in a woman’s view, this is paramount. People in general want to be heard, and they want to really find someone to let themselves go with.
From my experience, when women meet you and know you for the authentic guy you are, and the authenticity you look for, they will feel more gut-level attraction than the average guy who just tries too hard but really gives off little of his genuine side.
Long-term relationships and marriages are built from amazing physical and emotional connections between partners.
Everyone has an ability to learn this skill; most introverts already own a natural talent for this!