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5 Inspirational Figures That Were Actually Terrible F**king People

5 Inspirational Figures That Were Actually Terrible F**king People

BY Matt Staff

5 Inspirational Figures That Were Actually Terrible F**king People

If we rounded up these 5 inspirational figures they’d probably hatch up a diabolical masterplan to take over the world by oppressive storm, while cackling in maniacal laughter along the way, yet somehow winning the hearts of the masses in the process. These dudes are dangerously charismatic. Let’s hold them up under the light and judge them for what they really are: terrible fucking people.

1. Gandhi


Wrinkled like a prune, in a tattered old loincloth, behind John Lennon spectacles, and with a bellyful of hypocritical advice sentiments, Ganhdi was a conman in every sense of the word. Widely worshipped, and a sinner guised as a Saint, the cultish figure was a dirty old man with sexually depraved tendencies. No, really. He encouraged naked nightly cuddle sessions with his niece Manu; but only when he wasn’t busy commanding her to fetch him stones for his feet from within a jungle where rapists regularly sought refuge whilst on the lam. Yes, Gandhi was a horribly misjudged, two-faced, skullduggerous fiend who took advantage of a world too easily sold on the soft delivery of charismatic, peace-themed discourse. It’s about time we brought the twisted man and his hidden tendencies from out the closet.

2. Che Guevera


If political tyrants like Nixon had had Guevera’s PR team, they’d be immortalized through printed headshots, outfitted in rich oak frames, and hung nationwide on many ‘a mantelpiece. It’s absurd, truly. Fashioned as something of a counterculture, hipster, demi-god, Che Guevera continues to collect puppy-eyed support from an ignorant bunch of fools due to his profound audacity for deceit. He’s a mirage, a half-formed idea of a man bestowed too much power after supposedly liberating a people from the Batista regime, only to go on and implement an even more repressive and evolved police state. Impressively capable of imposing his will, devoid of a sane moral compass, it’s a wonder the revolutionary extraordinaire wasn’t tarred and feathered and pummeled to a pulp after sharing thoughts like, “a revolutionary must become a cold killing machine motivated by pure hate.” In what universe would someone who says something like that not be put under psychological scrutiny, and fed regular servings of shock therapy?

3. Jared from Subway


I was already well on my way toward detesting the sandwich-churning chain of establishments that seemed to always smell like hospital waiting rooms and never leave me a satisfied customer. Then the Fed’s pried open the demented Pandora’s Box that was Jared’s home to reveal the presupposed, comeback kid, health idol as a child-pornography obsessed perv. Here we have what I imagine was someone who was something of a rockstar, a beacon to the lost couch potatoes in need of inspiration. Just goes to show you never know what’s hiding ’round the corner.

4. Christopher Columbus


In two years this devil-eyed, bible-thumping, ship captain who had a thunderous hard-on for gold after discovering the jewelry-clad Arawak natives, was responsible for the deaths of 125,000 people in the New World. Columbus enslaved the native population, violently enforced Catholicism as the ‘right’ religion, and pushed many of the indentured servants to take their own lives under the pressing weight of sheer and unadulterated helplessness. Columbus and his men demanded gold and sex from the Lucayan natives (often 9-10 year old girls) on a later trip as they continued to stuff foreign diseases like smallpox, measles, and influenza down the throats of a Native population with no immunity to infectious diseases. What happened when a native refugee failed to produce gold for the hungry hands of Columbus and his squad of soulless collectors? The refugee would have one of his hands cut off and fitted on a necklace to be hung around his neck, in place of what would normally have been a get-outta-jail-free-token: something to keep him off the radar of penny collectors for a couple months. Yet here we dedicate a national holiday to the greedy sea sailing bastard; and it’s all you and I can do to scorn the American tradition, and spread the word: Columbus was a massive dick.

5. Andrew Jackson


Andrew Jackson was the first to put a name behind the idea that one can be a great President and a goddamn horrible person. Jackson’s a throwback rags-to-riches tale. The bark-chewing, log splitting, squirrel-gutting Carolinian countryman came from tough poverty-stricken times, to eventually run a country, but damned if he committed a few atrocities ‘long the way. For instance: he was a plantation owner who regularly bought and sold slaves, and willfully abused federal power to effect disadvantageous circumstances on the non-white population. With great power comes great responsibility; and it’s a shame such evolved corruption ran rampant so early in the development of the United States of America.


So well, that covers it: the 5 dudes no one would wish upon anyone. The fucked up fellas that should be fed coal the rest their lives; the guys that hopped an express shuttle for the underworld when they met their Maker. Yes, these 5 figures all stand as a collective lesson in the evil that can accompany power left unchecked.

Who else deserves to be on this list?

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Matt Staff


Matt’s a ginormous red head with an insatiable appetite for challenging you to reassess your lifestyle choices through reading relatable prose that might almost make you feel like you're at a pub talking life with the guy.

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  • david lloyd-jones

    Be good if this was more widely known – but not before you do – please remove the negative angry tone – yes you may have good reason, but you doing so raises questions that maybe you are being biased – SO best if presented in a more objective, less impassioned tone – the truth is enough to speak for it’self

  • Who else deserves to be on this list?………………………Obama

  • cornishfaerie

    ‘In what universe would someone who says something like that not be put
    under psychological scrutiny, and fed regular servings of shock therapy?’

    What the fuck is that about ? I take serious offence with that. That is so completely fucked up and hypocritical it boggles the mind. It’s also demeaning of mental illness, it is stigmatising the mentally ill (like me) including those who actually have had electroconvulsive therapy for mental illness (like, say, me!) – where it saves lives (and yes it does; it doesn’t ‘cure’ anything but it gave me more time for even more extreme measures – and even then I had at least three methods and almost followed through at least once or twice).

    Yes it most certainly is hypocritical. Not only do you call out rape (rape is torture and if you actually had friends or family who were raped even once you’d know this!) in a previous entry, you also say that someone who is a hateful person should be subjected to ECT (for punishment it seems; clearly not mental illness as it is meant for[1]). Guess what? When someone is subjected to ECT for such a thing is also torture! There is a reason it is for many years considered unethical and immoral to do this without consent (the one who makes the decision whether the patient or if ill enough to be incompetent then their care taker) and doctors. It’s also in many places illegal.

    You’re just as bad as the person you’re calling out; to call you an ignorant toerag and a bloody tosser is putting it nicely. Social Man my fucking arse …

    [1] And no, hate isn’t a mental illness. It is part of humanity. Humans are inherently hateful and aggressive. No, psychopathy isn’t mental illness in the same sense as those who actually suffer – try telling a psychopath they have a problem and see how far you get (and show how ignorant you are to how and why they can do what they do). The ultimate irony is that stigmatising people is also hateful (and yes it is).

  • Yeah, the angry/negative tone is way overblown, and it’s beneath the quality of the rest of the site, not to mention kind of pointless. One assumes the intention was comedic along the lines of Maxim. The danger there is that you’re not a Maxim writer (who are highly paid and experienced comedy writers), and the bar is set quite high– when an article like this fails to make you laugh, it comes off pretty badly.

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