Christian started an excellent discussion here and I couldn’t help but jump in on it.
The main thing I want to do here is give some guidance on how to react if you find yourself in a situation where a girl is using one of these “sneaky dating tricks” on you so that you don’t fall victim to it yourself.
To prep this, I want to say that not every girl will do this stuff. I have been lucky to meet many wonderful women who are very genuine and if you look at everything they say to you as some sort of trick or test then you will be playing yourself right out of their dating lives.
Moreover, there are guys out there who say, “well I just don’t want to play games, and I don’t want a girl who plays games”. Here’s the thing guys: a very large number of girls do set up tests. The simple reason is that a woman of high value has a lot of people pulling here in many different directions, and she has to set up a system that makes it easier for her to decide how to allocate her time. There simply aren’t enough hours in the day for her to spend time with everyone who desires her company.
Now when a guy says, “I don’t like games”, what I’ve found he really means is, “I don’t like losing games”. Face it, if you won all of the games and tests that girls put forward you won’t have the distaste for them that a-lot of guys express. So with that in mind, here’s how you can identify when a girl is using these “tricks” and how to respond appropriately.
The neediness card:
You’ll hear all sorts of stories – about how she’s been hurt, about how lonely she is, about her unfulfilled sex life, about something she wants to do with which you can help… and they’re all meant to trigger that desire in a man to provide for and take care of a woman.
Some women do it subtly, others are more direct: I know (but am not friends with) a girl who told a guy with whom she was living that her mom had died and that she needed to go to the funeral. She went to see her other boyfriend instead. 99% of girls aren’t this crazy, but the neediness card accounts for a lot of second-guessing that we as men do. “Maybe I should call her again, maybe if she sees that I really like her she’ll feel comfortable turning to me.”
As Christian points out, girls play this one in order to trigger your “provider” instincts. Guys hear this and think, “wow, I can show this girl how much I care by offering my sympathy and she’ll like me”. Big pitfall.
When you’re first getting to know a girl, never ever ever fall into the roll of councilor/shoulder she can cry on. Of course as your relationship grows stronger feel free to support her in whichever way you choose, but in the beginning you’re asking for trouble. I’m reminded of a great line from the one and only David D which is something like, “I have full confidence that you’re strong enough to handle this”. That’s it, change the subject to something more fun, and throw up a point for yourself.
Making future plans:
When she spends time with a guy, she talks about all the things she’d like to do with him. Girls with good game like to suggest a lot of plans quickly, from jogging dates to how quickly they want to see him again to cultural experiences they would enjoy together. And girls with really good game will make those plans match up to interests and hobbies of the guy’s.
As a man, it’s hard not to fall for it. “Wow, this girl LIKES me! And I didn’t even have to work too hard for it.” It can come subtly, as in “Yeah, there’s this play I’ve been wanting to check out,” or it can be more direct, like “So would you want to go see this play next week?” And hey, sometimes its genuine. But other times it is very calculated. You don’t know until you start to get a better picture of the girl.
It’s funny that Christian brought this one up because I actually use it myself all the time and never really thought about it. Why? Because shit, it works. Don’t let it work on you. (Note to any women reading this: I still completely mean it when I say it to you).
For starters, I truly believe that when a woman says this she’s actually not playing any trick, but rather really wants to do what she says at the time, however time amongst other things pop up and other things fill up her priorities and suddenly what she says at that moment isn’t reflected in her new state of mind.
So, the first thing that one has to do is identify whether this was just something said in the passing moment or if she really wants to do this. When you’re discussing these plans at first, go right along with them. Talk about how you can’t wait to do this stuff, and paint a vivid picture of the event and how much fun it will be for both of you.
Now comes the moment of truth. In your next text/phone convo, casually bring up the event that you spoke of. If you were planning on attending a rodeo, say, “I hope you know I’ve been practicing my bull-riding and you’re going to be amazed when you see these skills”. If you were going to see Batman, you can drop something along the lines of, “I saw that the lines for Batman on the IMAX are finally starting to die down, thank goodness”.
So, you throw this little tidbit out, and then gauge her response. If she responds with the same enthusiasm as your first discussion on the subject, then go ahead and get those movie tickets. If she kind of brushes it off, then just drop the subject and never touch it again unless she’s the one to bring it up.
Side note: if she does flake on this one a great thing to do is simply see the movie or do whatever anyway, and then the next time she asks what you’ve been up to you can inform her of your recent activities. She’ll usually get a bit irritated that you did that without her (don’t worry, she knows it’s bullshit). You can just tell her that you wanted to see/do it with he but that she’s just been kind of busy lately and that you’ll make it up to her very soon. Great way to win this game. Chalk up another point for yourself.
The apologetic flake:
I have seen this play out several times, and I have a good friend who is just masterful at this and who brought it into sharp focus. She’s an attractive girl and she works on a trading desk, so she’s legitimately busy and has painfully early mornings.
From time to time, she just doesn’t feel like going on the date she has scheduled. The guy isn’t that interesting to her, or another social event popped up, whatever… So she’ll flake at the last minute, but she’ll offer her profuse apologies.
Sometimes these are interlaced with statements meant to inspire sympathy (”I slept like 2 hours last night, I’m barely functioning, I hate my job”), but in almost all cases, she attempts to lock the guy into rescheduling right there on the phone by telling him how excited she is to see him and how “seriously,” she can’t wait to hang out because they’re going to have such a good time.
This one’s simple. You just have to let her know that you’re just as busy as she is and your time can’t be allocated at her whims. If she’s apologizing and trying to reschedule for some other time; you’re busy. I don’t care if you’re plans for that Thursday night are to sit on your couch, watch Family Guy and eat Cheetos, you have plans and unfortunately can’t see her.
Now, if she really starts pushing the makeup date, i.e. “what are you doing Thursday night? Oh, ok, what about Friday? what about Saturday?”, then we’re drifting into genuine apology and interest and should be treated accordingly. If she keeps pushing, then you’re still busy on Thursday, but Saturday or Sunday you may have some time open and would love to see her.
Remember, if she does flake, the worst thing you can do is get noticeably annoyed with her. Simply say, “It’s really not a big deal, I actually have to run and (insert fun other thing) anyway. We’ll hang out soon.” Then excuse yourself and walk away. Wait at least 3 days without word from her to get back to her.
Of course the tests and tricks girls use are as numerous as the stars in the sky. Just keep in mind that she’s giving you the opportunity to prove that you’re a strong, high-value man. Relish in these opportunities and you’ll be happy that you have the company of a high-value women who won’t settle for just anyone’s time.